Life after loss

Change is part of ageing. Inevitably this will include losses and grieving. This page looks at ways of dealing with these natural processes.

The changes that we all experience as we age can lead to a wide range of losses.

• People – through death or a relationship break-up or change
• Pets – through death or because of a move.
• Health – through illness, accident or disability
• Possessions – by accident, theft, or the need to downsize
• Places – through property development or moving house, neighbourhood or city
• Your place in the world – through losing a place on a team or a job, or because your values have changed
• Autonomy – as ageist attitudes to older people restrict opportunities or create barriers to participation.
• One loss can often lead to others. For example, the loss of eyesight may also mean the loss of being able to read or to drive. A loss of mobility can bring a loss of independence.

Grief

Grief, as a reaction to loss, is a part of coping and healing. It can include a wide range of feelings, from depression and anger to denial and anxiety, and perhaps ultimately a sense of renewal. Grief has many guises and reaction to loss is a personal and individual experience.

You may feel a range of conflicting emotions, such as:

• Being unable to concentrate – or burying yourself in activity
• Being unable to sleep, or wanting to sleep all the time
• Not wanting company, but not wanting to be alone
• Resenting those who offer words of comfort, but also those who stay silent.

Each and all of these are normal and common reactions.

Acknowledging and learning to accept the many feelings of grief enables people to begin the process of letting go of the grief and pain, and to begin healing.
Giving yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and to react however you react is an important part of healing through grief.

As a person’s grief heals they begin to regain a sense of connectedness. Healing may come and go. It may take months. It may take years. But the healing continues.

Helping a friend who is grieving

All you have to do is be around. You can let your friend know that you understand they are going through a hard time and that you will be there if they want to talk or go out. Talk to them about resources that can help a person cope with grief.

Facts

• A person’s ability to cope with loss will be influenced by their ability to adapt to change, their understanding of reactions to loss and their access to support.
• There is no correct way to grieve. Grief has many faces and its own shifting timeframes. Even the feeling that you are not grieving correctly, or of being separate from grief, is grief itself.

Resources

Contact your GP or practice nurse for advice or to find out about local grief counselling services available. Books on death and dying and coping with loss and grief are available from your library and from Age Concern New Zealand.

You could also seek support through:

• Samaritans Telephone Service listed in your phone book • Relationship Services who have an 0800 number (0800 735 283) • Your local hospice for information or support • Catholic Social Services or Presbyterian Support Services: see your phone book • Your minister or priest • www.mentalhealth.org.nz • www.skylight.org.nz.